Understanding PDA – When Autonomy Feels Like Survival

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a profile seen in many neurodivergent people, is increasingly being described as a pervasive drive for autonomy. Although it is most often associated with autism, it can also appear in people with ADHD, anxiety, and other forms of neurodivergence. At its heart, PDA is not about refusing to do things. It is about the intense anxiety and dysregulation that arises when a person feels that their sense of control is being threatened.

PDA can be deeply confusing, especially because it often shows up around things the person wants to do. For example, a teenager might be enthusiastic about joining a sports team, but when the time comes to get ready for practice, they may shut down, argue, or disappear into their room. A creative adult might dream of writing a book, but find themselves unable to sit down and begin, becoming overwhelmed with guilt and frustration instead. Even basic self-care like showering, replying to a message, or getting dressed can trigger this avoidance if it feels like a demand rather than a choice.

This is not laziness, opposition, or manipulation. PDA responses are often automatic and intense. The demand, real or perceived, activates the nervous system in a way that mirrors a panic response. The person is not choosing to avoid. Their body and brain are reacting as if the situation is unsafe. And the harder they push themselves to comply, the more intense the reaction may become.

This cycle can lead to shame, isolation, and a sense of being misunderstood. Others may label the person as difficult or noncompliant, without recognising the genuine distress they are experiencing. Internally, the person may want to engage but feel completely unable to do so. The result is a frustrating and painful loop that can damage self-esteem and relationships.

PDA is not about being difficult. It is about survival. It is the nervous system doing everything it can to protect a deep need for autonomy and safety. Recognising PDA for what it is allows us to replace judgement with understanding, and to support neurodivergent people with the empathy they deserve.

With the right approach, coaching can help by creating a safe, collaborative space where autonomy is respected and goals are shaped around the client’s own sense of readiness and control.